It all started when my Cousin Charles called for his Cousin Tony who is a Chef and wanted to inquire about a recipe for Goat Cheese used by fine restaurants in the United States. Charles, a former defense engineer turned bed and breakfast owner and goat farmer, accidentally got his cousin Keith (me) on the phone. Charles, with pride in his voice, was telling me how he was raising many goats and how he had now begun to breed the goats for cheeses and milks. Sensing an opportunity to get under Charles skin, I asked him if his goats were dangerous animals and if they fought each other. Charles replied in his normal caring and loving voice “You F***ing Idiot, Goats Don’t Fight”. Now it was on. I knew I was on to something. I told Charles that I was going to buy land and raise fighting goats that would kick his goats’ asses. Charles replied again with softness and love in his voice “Listen To Me Dip-Shi*, Goats Don’t Fight, Are You That Damn Stupid You Moron?” Well, we all know the answer to that question and with that kind of encouragement the International Federation of Fighting Goats was hatched the next day.
The International Federation of Fighting Goats was established by Keith, aka, “Boom Boom”. He solicited help from his two friends, Mark “The Sniffer” and Andre “The Mad Russian” breeder, trainer and fluffer. Each of the founding fathers contributed many worthless minutes of nonsense that was never considered for actual use in the Federation.
The IFFG has set a few ground rules for its Federation. To help you understand, (or wince in disgust that anyone would have time to come up with this), here are our rules.
Only Armenian and Ukrainian fighting goats will be used as these countries have the angriest goats and each goat can understand up to seven different languages.
Goats will not be sold to anyone under the age of 4 or adults who are under medical care from an accredited psychiatric hospital. (Note: this excludes republicans)
Because the goats never physically fight, (due to insurance liability), the Federation will employ a veterinarian to perform routine eye surgery as the goats will actually compete by “staring down” one another. This insures that the goats will each have at least 20/20 vision and can still be harvested for hair replacement on humans.
The “sniffer” will be required to sniff each goat and determine mating and feeding schedules as well as the language used in the fight ring.
The “breeder, trainer and fluffer” will be required to wear an eye mask and through feel and touch only determine the sexual orientation of the goats. Goats whose sexual orientation that can’t be determined will be considered normal and may fight at will. (Note: this excludes male goats that have at least 5 testicles.)
To compete, male goats must have 3 out of six working testicles and female goats 13 out of 22 lactating nipples. (verification will be the sole responsibility of the sniffer)
(Disclaimer): All of the material contained in this rambling is a true story that was just made up and is false. No goats have been harmed or actually aroused to our knowledge.
Worthless stock has been offered to friends and family, but as of this writing no stock has been sold or issued. If you are interested in purchasing IFFG stock at this time we ask that you seek psychiatric help and get the appropriate medication you have needed for a long time.
Official IFFG Merchandise Available